"Rising Strong" by Brené Brown - Chapter Three
The irony is that we
attempt to
DISOWN our DIFFICULT STORIES
to appear more whole or more
ACCEPTABLE,
BUT OUR WHOLENESS
--even our wholeheartedness--
ACTUALLY DEPENDS ON THE
integration of
ALL OF OUR EXPERIENCES,
including the falls.
Chapter Three
OWNING OUR STORIES
A map does not just chart, it unlocks and formulates
meaning; it forms bridges between here and there,
between disparate ideas that we did not know were
previously connected.
---Reif Larsen
I love maps not because they dictate the route or tell me when or how to travel, but simply because they mark the
waypoints I will eventually visit. Knowing that these places exist and that they are well traveled, even if they are
unexplored by me, is powerful.
I have charted the map of the rising strong process from the stories and experiences of men and women who
have found wholehearted ways to navigate struggle. This process teaches us how to own our stories of falling down,
screwing up, and facing hurt so we can integrate those stories into our lives and write daring new endings.
"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do." I still believe
in this quote from two of my previous books--maybe now more than ever. But I know that it takes more than courage
to own your story. We own our stories so we don't spend our lives being defined by them or denying them. And while
the journey is long and difficult at times, it is the path to living a more wholehearted life.
THE RISING STRONG PROCESS
The goal of the process is to rise from our falls, overcome our mistakes, and face hurt in a way that bring more wisdom
and wholeheartedness.
THE RECKONING-- Men and women who rise strong are willing and able to reckon with their emotions. First, they
recognize that they're feeling something--a button has been pushed, they're hooked, something is triggered, their emotions
are off-kilter. Second, they get curious about what's happening and how what they're feeling is connected to their thoughts
and behaviors. Engaging in this process is how we walk into our story.
THE RUMBLE-- Men and women who rise strong are willing and able to rumble with their stories. By rumble, I mean
they get honest about the stories they've make up about their struggles and they are willing to revisit, challenge, and
reality-check these narratives as they dig into topics such as boundaries, shame, blame, resentment, heartbreak,
generosity, and forgiveness.
Rumbling with these topics and moving from our first responses to a deeper understanding of our thoughts, feelings,
and behaviors gives birth to key learnings about who we are and how we engage with others. The rumble is where
wholeheartedness is cultivated and change begins.
THE REVOLUTION-- Unlike evolutionary change, which is incremental, revolutionary change fundamentally transforms
our thoughts and beliefs. Rumbling with our story and owning our truth in order to write a new, more courageous ending
transforms who we are and how we engage with the world. Men and women who rise strong integrate the key learnings
that emerge from the rising strong process into how they live, love, lead, parent, and participate as citizens. This has
tremendous ramifications not only for their own lives, but also for their families, organizations, and communities.
INTEGRATING
The Lain root of the word integrate is integrare, which means "to make whole." Integrating is the engine that moves
us through the reckoning, the rumble, and the revolution, and the goal of each of these processes is to make ourselves
whole. Participants spoke about the importance of feeling genuine, authentic, and whole rather than always compartment-
alizing their lives or hiding parts of themselves or editing their stories. The tools they used to integrate their stories of
falling are readily available to all of us because they are deeply human and part of our wholeness: storytelling and creativity
(primarily writing about or taking notes on their experiences).
INTEGRATION THROUGH CREATIVITY
Steve Jobs believed that "creativity is just connecting things." He believed that creating was connecting the dots between
the experiences we've had, to synthesize new things. He argued that this is only possible if we have more experiences or
devote more time to thinking about our experiences. I agree--this is exactly why creativity is such a powerful integration
tool. Creating is the act of paying attention to our experiences and connecting the dots so we can learn more about
ourselves and the world around us. In addition to creativity-based courses and learning from that process, I was able
to interview more than one hundred creatives in this research. No group taught me more about the inherently tough
middle space of processes and the power of integration.
For our purposes we need to do just a little writing--nothing formal, just jotting down some notes on our experiences.
Of course, you're welcome to do something more elaborate, but it's not necessary. It's devoting time and attention to our
experiences that really matters.
Among the professional storytellers I interviewed for this book was Shonda Rhimes, the creator and show runner of
Grey's Anatomy and Scandal, and one of my favorite story writers. When I asked her about the role of struggle in
storytelling, she said, "I don't even know who a character is until I've seen how they handle adversity. Onscreen and
offscreen, that's how you know who someone is."
If integrate means "to make whole," then its opposite is to fracture, disown, disjoin, detach, unravel, or separate.
I think many of us move through the world feeling this way. The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories
to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness--even our wholeheartedness--actually depends on the
integration of all of our experiences, including the falls.
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